Is This As Good As Life Gets?

  I used to ask myself, practically every day during my illness; is this it?  What if I never get better?  Does it get any better?

Sounds pessimistic, but my history of recurring hospital admissions and medications that were ineffective, coupled with suicide attempts and unrelenting depression, didn’t illustrate a positive picture.  At separate hospital admissions, I was frequently greeted by the same bed, same patients and same nurses who knew precisely my medications.  Nothing changing; asking “is this as good as it gets?”

It’s frightening, and no one should ever have to endure this type of life.  Depression, for me, proved a nasty existence.  After spending months in hospital, then at last discharged, I would forever feel that I was one footstep away from hospital waters every waking day.  Always just a step away from hell; existing only on the surface.

And now I feel somewhat selfish.  I do have a new life now; but a life filled with stress and I feel overwhelmed at times.  Yes indeed, I have broken free from the jaws of depression to a degree, but now have taken on the next chapter after the illness.  Although I am not consumed with depression and suicidal pain currently, I now must mesh with people and mental illness stigma.  For me, hospitalization was a sort of incarcerated life; that of daily rituals of set meal times and social activities, lights out at 11:30 pm, and scheduled visits from family (friends were long gone).   Then finally discharge, after serving my “time”, which meant adjusting to home life all over again.

Depression tears your life into pieces of paper.  At different stages I had to piece them back together again.  It’s a very difficult life we live with mental illness, and all of us should be congratulated with what we have accomplished.  But to answer the question:  Does it get better?  Yes, it does, but (my opinion only) it’s not without sweat on the brow and a constant daily struggle.