I am reposting this article I wrote, as I am starting to remember once again how loneliness feels and is entering the picture with the depression I am experiencing now. This is one of the articles I am most proud of and I believe describes what you feel like when depressed.
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Envision feeling lonely when you are actually with people; with friends, celebrating a birthday party at someone’s house. You experience emptiness. The room is filled with chatter and laughter, yet you are seated; numb.
Depression is lonely. Curled up in a ball – lonely.
This actually happened to me. I was pretty much forced to attend a birthday party, and although I resisted, I soon surrendered due to the fact that it was for a dear friend and I was absent from all other celebrations throughout the past year.
Seated in a Lazy-Boy for part of the evening, I held tightly onto a diet Coke. I thought it polite to rise and finally mingle; show a smile, pretend to enjoy the evening, yet the feeling of hollowness was debilitating. Laughter echoed.
For the majority of the year, I had been in hospital more than out. Depression was black; I felt as if I was literally dumped into a black hole and left for dead. It was stated there was light up at the top of this hole, yet I was forever waiting to witness any.
Small talk was exchanged. The majority of the people at this gathering did not know me; a relief to say the least. I escaped having to share stories of my new life; in hospital. A life filled with doctors, nurses, medications; lonesome times, seated cross-legged in my hospital room corner daily, attempting to make sense out of anything.
My mind drifted too much throughout the minor conversations, and I started feeling too many emotions; nothingness, an empty space. Why was everything so dark, and gloomy?
I just had to escape from this gathering and head home. Apologizing to my friend for my lifeless presence, she looked at me with sadness, and hugged me. Strangely, I was lonely yet preferred to be alone. This was bewildering to even me.
“Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat. It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless. Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, one is completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming. It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence. Life tastes sour”. – Suicide: The Taboo Word, by Me, 2007
It took years to recover from depression, with many more hospitalizations, and ultimately becoming medication resistant. ECT’s were my only remedy, or so they thought, however this was not true. A new pdoc was in the wings, equipped with the knowledge to effectively treat the mental illness that had ruined my life. I am on the correct medications now.
The loneliness though, I will never forget, and never desire to feel that hollow sense again; the almost frightening sense, and the feeling of despair.
Posted by idreamofjello on September 6, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Hi! I stumbled upon your blog and I think you are a wonderful writer. I just ended a relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from depression and Bi polar 2. I did a lot of research when we were together trying to understand what he was going through. Your writings have helped a lot. Best of luck to you!
Posted by cherished79 on September 6, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Thank you so much for visiting. I am so sorry about your relationship; mental illness is difficult from both sides. I can only experience it from the patient side, and can only imagine from the support side. My husband has been the greatest support, however, it must have been tough during my worst years. It tugs at your soul, and you want to do more; but the way it sounds you did your very best with even the research. That is a major plus – research.
For me, I have done tons of reading and reseaching into this crappy illness. It helps, and also the writing helps me and is very cathartic. So happy the writings helped and the compliments made my day. Take care.
Posted by idreamofjello on September 7, 2007 at 9:24 am
You’re right its crappy! You deserve to be happy and you’re a wonderful person…if only you’d believe that. Hee hee, that’s what I used to tell him all the time. I wished he could see him the way I saw him.
I was willing to stick it out with him and be his support but ultimately what happened was that I discovered that he was detaching himself from me. No matter what we tried to do together to help him…he was undoing in private. Lots and lots of lies. I know its not intentional but I had to make the painful decision to leave before it took over me too.
Depression can be such a lonely disease but its also lonely for those who love them.
Best of luck to you and keep writing. I’ll keep reading and I’m rooting for you!
Posted by cherished79 on September 7, 2007 at 7:05 pm
You are so right – both sides of the coin -lonely and lonely. Thanks for the rooting and I’m also rooting for you. Not to be nosey, how are you doing now? Thanks for your compliments, they really mean so much. Take care.
Posted by idreamofjello on September 10, 2007 at 9:11 am
Hi there! Awww, thanks. The break-up is very recent and he’s moving out this Wednesday. We haven’t talked since the big break-up fight. He just comes and goes like a shadow. Its really hard for me because I feel extremely misunderstood by him. I know that deep inside, he knows what I’ve done for him and what he’s done too but he’s not ready or just simply doesn’t want to deal with it. I’m actually seeing a therapist myself.
This relationship has taken a big toll on me and my self esteem.
Its great to hear how well you’re doing and how long you’ve come. You have great support from your husband and those around you but ultimately you did a lot of the hard work yourself. *pat on back* Hee hee.
Posted by cherished79 on September 10, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Yes, it has been hard work all around. And, I have to keep working at it everyday. Meds, pdoc appointments, watch the sleep habits, watch the moods, watch the diet (that sometimes is the hardest one of all!). Then maintaining a job. Phew!
Yeah, you’re right – pat on the back for both of us! Take care.
Posted by Alastair on September 12, 2007 at 9:39 pm
You have captured the depression quite well. I know the emptiness that can overcome the warmth of any social situation.
Posted by cherished79 on September 13, 2007 at 9:11 am
And the warmth becomes chilly. What used to be a social situation where one fits in, now becomes a situation where one feels an oddity. You just feel like escaping back to your small corner of the room, to be left ALONE, and be LONELY. Sad and unfair.
Posted by lyn on October 13, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I am so depressed ..i know what its all about.
Im married with three children. I dont want to go anywhere..i just want to stay home and sleep..i know my family and in-laws are frusturated with me. I am just tired of faking that things are alright.
I feel so useless..I dont have any energy to complete tasks, somedays I say to myself..what is the point of even being alive.
Posted by cherished79 on October 16, 2008 at 8:37 am
I can relate as right now I am going through a period of depression. I have been lucky for a few years – almost free and clear – but for some reason depression caught up with me again. I am currently on short-term disability.
It must be very difficult with 3 children, to manage everything plus feel so poorly. People do become frustrated, and not to make excuses, but they do not fully understand how depression affects your life every waking day. Don’t fake it, this is not your fault, and just think of this, how can an illness be your fault? You did not ask for this to happen. I’m hanging in there, so please you do the same.
Write me any time.
Deb