Well, it’s been 4 ½ months that I’ve been off work on disability for depression, and I’m deemed healthy enough now to return. I’m lucky, I have a psychiatrist who worked with me on the decision of when to return, asking me if I wanted to in mid February or early March. I went with February because frankly I’m broke; what with the forms the insurance company requests from the doctor @75.00 each. I’ve spent over $200.00 alone on forms! Although I am thankful that my company has short-term disability, you only receive a percentage of your wage.
My dilemma now is: I have lost so much of my self-confidence. I had been doing so well at my job, bonuses every month, and then early 2008 everything collapsed and found myself regularly at the bottom of my department’s production standings. The depression crept gradually and I didn’t recognize it at first. Perhaps I didn’t want to acknowledge that this was happening to me once again. I have been living the good life of wellness for a few years now, cruising along, believing depression was a thing of the past. I just didn’t want depression to revisit.
I hated that session with my psychiatrist when he confirmed the dreaded depression was back in my life once more and put me on a antidepressant. To make a long story short, the antidepressants didn’t do their job; work was suffering, I was suffering and becoming worse and had no alternative but to apply for disability. It was either getting fired for screwing up while on probation or go the disability route.
But the antidepressants did do their job this time and I’m thankful for that.
I’m returning on a gradual basis starting February 16. I’m trying to believe in myself and not think negative, but depression hits with such intensity and robs you of self-worth and self-confidence. I hope I can pull it off.