PTSD – Ducks In A Row

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The Trust Contention

Dictionary: trust [trast]noun

charge or care; responsibility

Example: The child was placed in my trust. 

Lining My Ducks Up in a Row

In a prior PTSD post, I described my childhood sexual abuse from ages six through eight.  The trust issue still remains, and at times I’m on the alert in certain situations.  For when I built such a special friendship with a group of friends prior to becoming so ill with depression, and losing all of them, it was enormously devastating.

Trust has forever been an issue of mine; even with childhood and teenage girlfriends.  I chose cautiously so not to become hurt.  I didn’t date much, only a few boyfriends, and struck gold by marrying the man whom I will be celebrating my 29th year with.  I was very lucky that I wasn’t abused, hurt or misused; having to search for someone else, for love and companionship considering the childhood abuse.

In view of this though, I am still on the defense. 

Trust is earned.  But, tell that to a six year old, whose trust was shattered by a next door predator, and was forced to call him “Uncle Fred”.  A cunning abuser, who in retrospect was so obsessed, he would commit acts in both my house, as well, in his basement while his wife was upstairs. 

Psychotherapy wasn’t in the cards for me.  I have written about that in previous posts; how it set the platform for my walk into the muddy life of black depression.  I believe if it had not been for therapy, my life in the 1990′s wouldn’t have been such a shambles, nor would I have been crawling around in the dirt attempting to land on my feet again.

But, I am on my feet again.

Resilience:  means being able to adapt to life’s misfortunes and setbacks.ducks-add-to.jpg

They say that people with resilience harness inner strength and rebound more quickly.  I want to rid of trust issues and the feelings of ‘victimization’.  I’ve had these issues for almost my entire life; but I don’t want to dwell anymore, I just want to be able to face challenges better; for instance: my job requirements.  I don’t want to forever be smothered by memories and thoughts and issues.

I have even surpassed even my expectations (I’m comparing this to 10 years of illness):

My return to work and job in Customer Service (despite the odd idiotic/ass remarks from customers), has been a bumpy ride, but tenacity has prevailed and my savvy has returned.  Come to think of it, I really never had this much savvy before I became ill.  The confidence is returning, bit by bit. I feel I’m gaining control of my life once again, and bouncing back. 

The trust issue.  I still have difficulty, particularly with mental illness and stigma.  I would never trust anyone at work with my ‘secret illness’, which is a shame, due to the fact that I have become sociable with one woman.  We are the same age, have lunches and breaks together, also gathering for dinner monthly, however, I cannot share my mental illness past and present with her.  There goes trust again.

Written by: Deb

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8 thoughts on “PTSD – Ducks In A Row

  1. Wow…i just did a google image search for ‘ducks in a row’ and stumbled across this post. two words from this old post reached out across time and just about knocked me off my chair… victimization and trust… over the last few years, i’ve been watching myself struggle with both of these without really knowing what they were. just knowing that i had this defense mechanism that kicked into autopilot at the drop of a hat. But those two words – victimization and trust – are so spot on that i am just stunned… it’s like hearing a familiar name or smelling a familiar scent and FINALLY being able to identify it. WOW… now I wonder if actually being able to put a name to it will make a difference with how i act… hmmm… shall have to wait and see. In any case – thanks. Whether you know it or not, you’ve really helped.

    • Thanks for finding me and makes everything worth it when I’ve helped someone else. Trust is earned; some people may not see it that way. Only those who have been vicitimized and betrayed will know how life has treated them.

  2. PTSD is still stigmatized. Its the invisible brain injury. You are not missing an eye or a leg or arm, so people assume that you are just whining. They dont understand how it can incapacitate you.

    There is nothing funny about it in that respect. Any more than bantering that the person who said that suffers from E.D and should contact Human Resources to see if the company should pay for his Viagra. Its easy to laugh at circumstances that humiliate others, but the fact is when it happens to you, their is nothing funny about it.

    And having others minimize your suffering is one definite issue I have had, that feeds my similar *trust issue.

    Its hard for me to trust, because to offer true friendship, I am offering up this very fragile self and I am trusting that the other person won’t abuse that self, or carelessly harm me. I have learned to do that less and less, because so few people understand the effects of these events have had on me as an social person.

    I still dont entirely trust my parents. I do not leave my kids with them, not because they themselves would harm the children. But because their instincts were so damaged that they let more than one predator slip by and into my space as a child. And I am not entirely sure that they have overcome that very dangerous blind spot.

  3. Thank you for your comforting words.

    It took many years to trust my parents again after what they pulled when I was a child, but holding that anger in really does get you nowhere.

    You are so right – to trust myself.

  4. For me, trust is a big issue also. When the people who are supposed to protect you are the ones responsible for abusing you or they don’t stop others from abusing you, you definitely stop trusting them and yourself. The most important step in recovery that I have ever taken is to learn to trust myself. Have a glorious day and know that you are loved and lovable.

  5. I think it’s because it’s all over the place after 9-11. There are even those lawyer ads up for PTSD, kind of an oversaturation without the reality attached. (in terms of the water incident, a pipe broke in the ceiling over a co-worker and flooded her as she was on the toilet. While they said it jokingly, it would have totally gotten my symptoms elevated.)

    I think it’s still considered a joke disease or something for war vets, I don’t know.

  6. What do they this PTSD stands for? or is?Interesting. Thank you for the praise, and in case you don’t realize, you are becoming and sounding stronger with each and every post. Take care kiddo.

  7. Trust is a big issue for me too, how will people look at me when they hear PTSD? Especially since it’s a joke in the office place (‘oh no, you got water sprayed on you, go out on disability for PTSD’ was one such bantering a couple co-workers had.)

    But I’m glad to hear you doing so well, and working (with pride).

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