Depression became a way of life starting in 1994, and remained that way for 9 long years. I began psychotherapy for deep-rooted issues and that essentially was the driving force into a black, muddy world of hospital admissions, institutions, a myriad of medications, and deemed drug-resistant, the psychiatrists threw me to the wolves of ECT treatments. I have zilch good to say about ECT for they proved forever ineffective, causing only long-term memory loss.
Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat. It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless. Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming. It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence. Life tastes sour. The best way I like to in fact express depression is: “when you are able to actually touch the black, depressive fog between your fingers; you identify that death is possibly nearby”.
I lost my career, income, practically my house, all of my friends, several of my family. One family member cut ties with my husband and I, fearful for his children due to my depression. So, at Christmastime, my husband’s name appears on the card – mine is excluded.
Finally, a psychiatrist came along who knew what the hell he was doing and started me on the road to wellness. I’m on the proper meds now, back in the workforce full-time for 2 ½ years now (was very challenging at first). My husband of 29 years has been my rock, and stood by me through all of this. Also my mother was there through this with me too.
What I do deal with everyday though…..is mental illness stigma.
Written by: Me
Posted by June Saville on September 22, 2008 at 8:23 pm
You are so brave Debbie. We’re with you mate!
June in Oz
Posted by cherished79 on September 23, 2008 at 8:20 am
Thanks so very much June, your comment couldn’t have come at a better time.
Posted by sandy on November 5, 2008 at 9:16 am
You are an inspiration Debbie. I’ve been researching internet trying to decide whether to continue with my ECT treatment and I think Im with you too mate!
Sandy – Australia
Posted by cherished79 on November 5, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Thank you so much for your words – they really mean alot. Don’t let my negative journey with ECT deter you from them. I wish I had had the internet to investigate the pros/cons about ECT, but no computer at that time. Just put my faith in the doctors, naively believing they knew best. WRONG.
Posted by Mr. ADHD on December 29, 2008 at 5:17 am
My wife who suffers from Bipolar Disorder had to do ECT as a result of a year long battle with severe depression. It has now been 7 months since her last session and I can’t believe how well it worked for her. The 4 months that we went through it were the longest and hardest months of my life. However, I look back and realize this saved my wifes life – you could say mine too! This type of procedure is a case by case basis and if medication and therapy aren’t working then it’s something to consider. The best of luck to everyone!
Posted by Sharon Fawcett on January 12, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Debbie, we have a lot in common: a nine-year battle with depression, selfless husbands who stood with us throughout the painful ordeal, and recovery (though my recovery came through different means than yours). I was diagnosed with major clinical depression three days after my baby’s first birthday in 1990. Because I was suicidal, I was admitted to a hospital psychiatric ward for my protection. The doctor treated me with Prozac and then another antidepressant. Neither one brought relief and during that first hospitalisation (lasting eight months) I also developed the eating disorder anorexia nervosa, which threatened my life for the next three years.
During the nine years of my depression I accepted every form of medical and psychological treatment offered including approximately 20 antidepressant medications, more than 100 electroconvulsive treatments, 80 weeks as a patient in hospital psychiatric wards, and numerous forms of psychological counselling. When my psychiatrist announced that she was considering changing my diagnosis to treatment refractory depression (depression that does not respond to most forms of treatment) I decided it was time to try something else. After nine years of excellent (though relatively ineffective) medical and psychological treatment, I began to see a spiritual counsellor who shared my faith. She helped me identify and address the spiritual roots of my illness. Within three months of my first appointment with her I was free from depression. I never returned to the psychiatric ward, never had another electroconvulsive treatment, and no longer needed the medication or the care of a psychiatrist. Nearly a decade has passed and I remain free from depression.
In 2008 I was one of Canada’s Faces of Mental Illness for Mental Illness Awareness Week’s FACE MENTAL ILLNESS campaign.
I’m glad that you are now able to resume a healthy and productive life! People like you who are willing to share their stories will help end the stigma surrounding mental illness. Keep it up!
Posted by cherished79 on January 12, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Wow, you have been through it all. Thank you so much for sharing.
Posted by arlivon d ornoski on January 14, 2009 at 11:30 pm
thank you so much for your story..i had been told that this was as good as it gets..after 18yrs of depression..now i see there is more out there than i was lead to believe..arla
Posted by cherished79 on January 15, 2009 at 7:50 am
Thank you for your comment. Eighteen years is a long time. I have been living with this a very long time too and thought I was on my way to total wellness, then boom, then the bomb dropped this year. But, I was given the right antidepressants and after 6 months I am ok now.
Posted by secretlyours on July 28, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I also battle with depression. I have been in treatment more than 20 years. I know how difficult the stigma is. I appreciate your positive message and know your posts help so many others.
Posted by cherished79 on August 4, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Thank you so much. 20 years is a long time to live with this crippling disorder. You have to give yourself a pat on the back for strength you have had to battle this. And stigma, well that a whole miserable problem in itself. Take care.
Posted by naomikimbell on August 4, 2009 at 7:55 pm
What a heartbreaking personal account. I’m so sorry you had to struggle for so long without proper treatment. I hope you continue to do well.
Posted by jhartburnett on September 6, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I appreciate your work on this site as a uni-polar sufferer for a long time. Much credit to you and healing thoughts.
Posted by cherished79 on September 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Thank you so much for your comment.
Posted by katie on September 15, 2009 at 11:30 am
had 6 ect treatments in 01/09 felt horrible after. I had what I now think were seizures for a few weeks they were so debilitating I thought I was going to die. I am an alcoholic and was not drinking during depressive episode however once headaches were over and I started feeling better I started drinking again without any guilt or remorse. I don’t understand this, I’m slowly killing myself and I don’t care is this due to ect or depression or alcoholism? I’ve always felt like helping myself get better but now I don’t anymore. It’s almost like I’ve had a “brain shift” I can’t descibe it any other way. any comments?
Posted by Crazy Mermaid on October 26, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Are you still writing?
Posted by cherished79 on November 1, 2009 at 8:02 am
I haven’t really stopped, but I don’t write as much as I used to. Have been working on a couple of videos regarding depression and child sexual abuse. Thanks for the comment.
Posted by cherished79 on November 1, 2009 at 8:55 am
Katie: Thanks for your comment, and sorry for the late reply but my reply function wasn’t working until now.
Depression has a way of doing that. Causes sadness, loss of self-confidence, lack of concentration, suicidal feelings.
Hope you’re feeling better.