The Trust Contention
Dictionary: trust [trast]noun
charge or care; responsibility
Example: The child was placed in my trust.
Lining My Ducks Up in a Row
In a prior PTSD post, I described my childhood sexual abuse from ages six through eight. The trust issue still remains, and at times I’m on the alert in certain situations. For when I built such a special friendship with a group of friends prior to becoming so ill with depression, and losing all of them, it was enormously devastating.
Trust has forever been an issue of mine; even with childhood and teenage girlfriends. I chose cautiously so not to become hurt. I didn’t date much, only a few boyfriends, and struck gold by marrying the man whom I will be celebrating my 29th year with. I was very lucky that I wasn’t abused, hurt or misused; having to search for someone else, for love and companionship considering the childhood abuse.
In view of this though, I am still on the defense.
Trust is earned. But, tell that to a six year old, whose trust was shattered by a next door predator, and was forced to call him “Uncle Fred”. A cunning abuser, who in retrospect was so obsessed, he would commit acts in both my house, as well, in his basement while his wife was upstairs.
Psychotherapy wasn’t in the cards for me. I have written about that in previous posts; how it set the platform for my walk into the muddy life of black depression. I believe if it had not been for therapy, my life in the 1990’s wouldn’t have been such a shambles, nor would I have been crawling around in the dirt attempting to land on my feet again.
But, I am on my feet again.
They say that people with resilience harness inner strength and rebound more quickly. I want to rid of trust issues and the feelings of ‘victimization’. I’ve had these issues for almost my entire life; but I don’t want to dwell anymore, I just want to be able to face challenges better; for instance: my job requirements. I don’t want to forever be smothered by memories and thoughts and issues.
I have even surpassed even my expectations (I’m comparing this to 10 years of illness):
My return to work and job in Customer Service (despite the odd idiotic/ass remarks from customers), has been a bumpy ride, but tenacity has prevailed and my savvy has returned. Come to think of it, I really never had this much savvy before I became ill. The confidence is returning, bit by bit. I feel I’m gaining control of my life once again, and bouncing back.
The trust issue. I still have difficulty, particularly with mental illness and stigma. I would never trust anyone at work with my ‘secret illness’, which is a shame, due to the fact that I have become sociable with one woman. We are the same age, have lunches and breaks together, also gathering for dinner monthly, however, I cannot share my mental illness past and present with her. There goes trust again.
Written by: Deb