As long as my collar bone sticks out, that’s all I care about

My mind lied to me, it told me if ever I achieved my target weight of 135 lbs, I would finally be happy, life would forever change and for once in my life I would look magnificent.  Yes, that huge desiring as I lay in my bed at night, glare at my closet of clothes and upon waking up the next morning all of the sizes would say “12” instead of “24”.  I’d always been a fatty and once weighed way over the 250 mark.

I had ideas, visions and fantasies so that:

  • I wasn’t a loser and lazy and look like an embarrassment
  • Maybe regarded with compassion, valued, perhaps people may consider I was intelligent and eager to offer an opinion
  • My clothes would appear marvelous, colours pink, purple, teal or white. Able to fit in sizes that I desired, instead of settling for just Plus-size
  • My health would improve
  • My mom wouldn’t criticize me for once and perchance tell me I look fabulous
  • People who haven’t seen me in years would be amazed, I would receive compliments and acknowledge them with delight
  • Gone would be feeling self-conscious while eating in a fast food restaurant, sensing people were remarking to themselves, “yeah, she really needs those fries and hamburger; salad would have been a better choice”.
  • Maybe offered me a seat on the bus or hold open doors for me
  • If I fell or dropped something, someone would assist me instead of just glancing, smirking or just keep walking
  • Go to the fitness centre, not appear clumsy and weird, perhaps no one would stare
  • Walk by a mirror or store window, see myself, and smile for once
  • Wear a bathing suit without hesitation, or ride a bicycle for once and not fear tumbling off
  • Wear high heels without tripping, and high boots that zipped to the knees
  • Make snow angels in winter and my angel would be smaller this time
  • Depression, sadness, self-worth and self-hatred would lessen, because all I ever wanted was….to be thin

I ultimately reached my goal weight, and some of my visions and fantasies came true, however, as far as happiness and contentment….NOT!  My collar bone did stick out though and for which I was delighted, yet the reappearance of major depression, sadness, obsession about body image, eating rituals, starving myself, weighing myself etc. placed a gigantic shadow over the small joy felt for donning smaller sized clothing and awaiting compliments.



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